I see said the blind man to his deaf friend... whatever. I always thought that joke was kind of like getting hit over the head with a blunt object anyway. The point (which is totally unrelated to this intro) is that we are frequently blind to the truth when it's staring us right in the face.
Andy (one of my co-workers) recently underwent some disaster training here at the UW. This means he is now qualified to wear a dayglo hat on his head, a whistle around his neck and carry a clipboard so he can check off the names of people that died in the earthquake and were not able to run out of the building. During this training he was given an emergency preparedness kit which contained among other things some matches, a flashlight, a first aid kit and this energy bar. Yesterday he noticed it was past the expiration date and was going to toss it but I intercepted it. That's right, no food bar is too stale for Martin "let me shove that in my mouth and to hell with the consequences" Criminale.
Now I know it's silly but I usually associate energy bars with a healthy lifestyle meaning that they are relatively good for you. Most have a good ratio of carbohydrate to protein and fat and some are vitamin fortified as well. This bar blows that theory out of the water.
First of all,check out the name, "New Millennium Energy Bar". It sounds either like something that is really new or something that is supposed to last through the millennium. I'm thinking it's the later. And they vacuum pack this thing like it's going to need to survive some sort of crash test or break the underwater submersion record for a food bar:
Can you see how tight the wrapper is around the bar? And that's no ultra thin Mylar like PowerBar uses, no sir. I could use those edges to scrape the frost off of my windshield. Enough foreplay, let's open this thing up.
Wow, that doesn't look anything like any energy bar I have ever seen... Why, it looks like a cookie; shortbread actually. So I took a bite and while I was chewing I turned it over and read the ingredients.
Damn, it is shortbread.
Nutrition Facts: Calories 409, Protein 8g, Carbohydrates 53g, Fat 19g.
Ingredients: Wheat flour, Vegetable shortening, Cane and Corn Sugars, Dried Coconut, Corn Starch, Corn Syrup, Natural Flavors.
The firs thing that I noticed was that it contained 409 calories...?! What other energy bar has that many? Then I saw that it contained fully 2/3 of your daily recommended intake of fat. Ah... now things are a little more clear. This is an 'energy' bar in the sense that is supposed to keep you alive, not in the sense that it is supposed to be good quality fuel when you are sweatin' to the oldies on your indoor trainer or trying to set a new PR at the local century. Nope, this is all about how to pack the most fuel into the smallest package and keep it dirt cheap at the same time. The solution? Flour and shortening. Nice.
Lastly I had to check out the company that makes these things, S.O.S. Food Lab, Inc. Yikes! Prepare yourself for full-on FrontPage web site hell. Does that rainbow colored, arching text remind you of Microsoft Publisher...? Oh yes, it does.
So what did this thing taste like? Just like cherry flavored shortbread. And did I eat it all? Of course. I hate myself.