One if by land, two if by sea and nine if you’re like me… “But son, why do you have so many bikes? You can’t ride more than one at a time…” And so it goes. It all started when I was in college. Not having much luck with my school work or with women, I started to notice that some guys I looked up to rode bikes. “Cool” I thought, so will I. In college – and elementary school and grade school and high school for that matter – it’s quite important to be part of the “in-crowd”. Not having many options, I decided that bikes were going to be my “in”. So off I went on my first road bike. Vinyl saddle having, super narrow bar and short crankarm equipped, toe clips scraping the pavement when I couldn’t flip the pedals fast enough, toptube short enough to give me constant neck pain, hi-tensile steel throughout road machine. But hey, even then certain stuff was cool. I had Suntour power-ratchet downtube shifters [Smooth as silk baby, no auto-shift here] and a Winner 6-speed freewheel. Nothing but the best. Any trained eye could tell that this bike was serious because I had removed the pie plate/spoke protector! And I liked it… Invariably, as people get into a sport, they start to get “in the know” and as more time went by, I realized that my bike was not so cool. An upgrade was required. Say hello to the Performance mail order catalog! I mean, how great was this. They had everything from (Italian looking) frames to components to some very American looking clothes. It was a turnkey solution right there in my hands. This time it was all about Columbus Chrome-Moly, Shimano Ultegra and Cinelli. And that 6- speed freewheel…? Gone. THIS bike was all about ultra-7 baby. It’s a slippery slope for sure. One day you are riding in jeans shorts and the next you can’t go out because your matching jersey is still in the dirty clothes pile and needs washing; or because it’s raining and you haven’t given your “rain bike” the once over yet since you hung it up last spring. And stuff starts to get nostalgic so you don’t just “upgrade” your ride, you make an addition to the stable. Soon you have separate shoes for each bike, perhaps even – dare I admit this – separate outfits. Here in my garage, it has deteriorated to this: Race Bike – This is the full meal deal. All the stops have been pulled out here. It’s the light frame with the light parts group, your own blend of your favorite custom, after-market stuff, trick wheels and a few odd Ti & carbon bits to top it off. Years ago these things weighed in at just under 25 lb. Now you can’t show your face in the group ride if it’s more than 18. Of course I don’t race anymore but that isn’t going to stop ME from spending more cash. Why just the other day I got the full carbon fork and handlebars. I’m pretty sure it’s down to 17.5 now… Rain Bike – That’s right, you wouldn’t want to sully your cherry, summer machine in the harsh elements, this bike is crucial in the northwest. Mine has permanent fenders. And for most people, you end up logging more hours on this ride than your nice one. Too bad… But hey, it gives you the perfect excuse to throw money at another piece of equipment. I mean, if you’re going to be on it for half the year, it might as well be something or substance, right? For instance, why suffer the inconsistency of caliper or cantilever brakes in the rain when you can get some really trick mechanical disk brakes? I can think of no reason… Track Bike – It just happens. All of a sudden you are racing except there are no corners, just banking. These bikes are SUPPOSED to be simpler and cheaper but if you (like me) decide to get the full compliment of cogs and chainrings you quickly put the kabosh on THAT theory. Sure, you could get rid of it but what about the memories… So every once in a while you dust it off and tell some stories about how you were right in there bumping elbows with [drop your favorite name here] as the last lap bell rings. Ah, those were the days. Mountain Bike – Man does not live by blacktop alone. And a good thing too. What fun, it’s like hiking only much faster. And people talk of “epic” road rides; well try adding the possibility of a 15 mile hike while pushing your bike (in the rain, uphill, over a technical trail) and the definition of “epic” takes on new dimensions. But when it’s right it’s SO right. As you Zen your way down a trail, taking the corners faster than ever before, you come alive! You can hardly contain your whoops of joy but you bite your tongue because you can’t bear to break the beautiful silence. The only sound is the high-pitched hum of your cassette as you fly down the trail. Town Bike – One of my favorites. This is something with platform pedals so you can actually ride the damn thing without changing your shoes. I use it to go to the movies in the summer or to run the occasional errand; like going out to have some pizza and beer. Mine is my old hardtail (after I discovered the unadulterated bliss that is full-suspension) with riser bars and a Singleator. That’s right, only one speed. I guess I needed to try and relive the BMX childhood that I never had. Plus, it makes it pretty hard to have anything go wrong with this bike. I say bring back the jeans shorts and the Vans shoes! Single-Speed – Yeah, I know I already have one, but this bike is different. It’s a fixed gear road bike. So not only can’t you shift gears, you can’t coast either. Why? Some people will never understand. It’s so basic, so pure, so simple and it would be so light too if mine wasn’t built with some old, salvaged steel frame. After a long summer of riding bikes with 18 and 24 speeds, it’s amazing how much of a mental relief this ride is. To not ever have to worry about what gear to select for the upcoming climb is such a load off. And for those that tend to not be able to ride easy, this is the perfect governor. Touring Bike – Surely you can’t go on a tour without the proper equipment you say… I can, I have, and the right bike makes such a difference. Longer chainstays, all the braze-ons, it just works. Your feet don’t scrape the panniers, the bike inspires confidence on descents and you have room for fat tires AND fenders. I just want what I want when I want it, is that so bad? Tandem – OK, in my case it’s TWO tandems. One is a fast road tandem and the other is one I ride with my eight year old son. Surely you can’t expect one tandem to perform such divergent duties? No way, I NEED both. And in my experience, there is nothing quite so effective at keeping a couple together on a ride as a tandem. This can be a huge bonus. Think about all the times you have fallen off the back like a blind roofer or the times you have been fully juiced up and unable to hold back your super-human strength and annihilated the bunch – now imagine adding 20 lb to your bicycle frame and sticking another rider of similar weight to you on it as well. Isn’t that better? [grin] Truly, a tandem can be a phenomenal thing to ride. Once you get coordinated with your riding partner you can get these things positively humming along. And still carry on a conversation. How cool is that. There you have it. I have just enough bikes to do everything that I like, on a bicycle that is. And isn’t that what this is all about? When I grab my messenger bag, throw a leg over my town bike and hit the park for an ice cream and a read, nothing could be finer. When I crest the summit of some fabulous mountain pass on my race bike, and feel the utter joy of accomplishment, my spirit positively soars. I love them, all. THAT’S why I have them. I gotta stop typing now, I hear there is a sale on Vans and I need a new pair… Martin Criminale